The Story of Bert Raccoon
by Joel-Robert-Dayton
Summary: <html><head></head>Bert writes his life story.</html>
1. Chapter 1

** The Story of Bert Raccoon**

**Disclaimer, I don't own The Raccoons**

**Linda is my character. I named her after Linda Feige, who was the voice of Mellissa Raccoon on season 1. Bob, Dottie, Dennis, Natasha, Susan, Roman, Phillip, Jaqueline, Mary Belle, Randy and Joyce Rabbit are also my characters.**

**Enjoy**

** Prologue**

"Hi everybody. I'm Bert Raccoon. I live in the Evergreen Forest. If you don't live in the forest, you've probably never heard of me."

"Well to start off, I was born and raised there. It's a great place to live. So natural, quiet, peaceful and serene. It's a great place to grow up."

"Let me tell you, there has been times when the forest was almost lost. It's a good thing me, along with my friends Ralph, Mellissa and Cedric have always been there to stop it from happening."

"Anyway, I'm a reporter/paper carrier for the local newspaper: The Evergreen Standard. Ralph is the editor and his wife Mellissa is the photographer. We started the paper to keep Cyril Sneer from cutting down our beloved forest and building a city. We had only planned on one issue, but then Ralph decided that we should keep it going and it's become a great success. And what would Ralph do without me, Bert Raccoon, Ace reporter to bring in all the great stories we've published." Giggles.

"My favourite food is peanut butter. Goes with everything." Happy sigh. "Not everyone likes it as much as I do. Some people have no taste."

"I do enjoy sports as well. Baseball is my favourite. I also like football and playing hockey. Fishing is a lot of fun, even when they're not biting. Just relaxing without a care in the world. I've even started to get into basketball a little, but I'll explain later."

"I live in a house called the Raccoondominium with Ralph and Mellissa. Some may think that's weird, but we're like family. I think Mellissa kind of likes having me there, even though she and Ralph don't get much alone time when I'm home. The reason I think that is because it means they get to go out on dates more. If I wasn't living with them, they wouldn't go out for supper, dancing and to see movies as much. Mellissa really likes that kind of stuff. I've heard that that's what a lot of married couples don't do. They don't spend as much time out of the house together. Instead they're home all the time and grow apart."

"Now about my family. My parent's names are Bob and Dottie Raccoon. They live in Regina, Saskatchewan, so I don't see or talk to them much anymore. Dad used to be an accountant here in the forest, but the pay was a little low and he eventually took an office job in Regina and moved there after I left for collage. They've been there ever since and seem to enjoy it. My mother is a house wife and cooks really good. She always knew how to make peanut butter cookies, peanut butter fudge; oh she's a wizard in the kitchen." Deep sigh. "I miss those days."

"I'm not an only child. I have a little brother. His name is Dennis. He's 2 years younger than me. He lives in a town called Grand Coulee, about 10 minutes west of Regina, where he grows wheat. In fact he studied at the University of Regina and earned a degree in farming. He also met his wife Natasha in collage. They don't have any kids yet, but they might someday. We're not a farming family, but he was always interested in it. He went to work as a farm hand for a few years and later bought some land near Grand Coulee. He's managed to expand and is doing quite well and I'm proud of him. I like going fishing at Last Mountain Lake aka Long Lake, just north of Regina, with him and dad, when I get to go and visit them. Lots of walleye in that lake. It's said to have the best fishing in Southern Saskatchewan."

"Now about my friends. I've already talked about Ralph and Mellissa, but there's more. We not only live and work together, we also grew up together, along with my best friend Cedric Sneer, Cyril Sneer's son. I first met them when we were 1 1/2. My parents took me to the playground one day and while I was there I saw Ralph digging in the sandbox all by himself. I decided to join him and we had a great time building sand castles. Eventually Cedric joined us, since there was no one else to play with. He and I have been best friends ever since. That was also the same day Ralph met Mellissa. It was funny because his much older brother George had bought us some ice cream and when Ralph was bringing it to us he tripped on a root and the ice cream landed on a girl. As you probably guessed, that girl was Mellissa. Her parents, Susan and Roman Stevenson, who were sitting on a bench, weren't very impressed and didn't like Ralph that much. They lectured George about it and thought that he was Ralph's father. That's understandable. He's almost old enough to be Ralph's father. Susan was pregnant with Mellissa's little sister Linda at the time."

"George quickly apologized and explained who he was. Susan and Roman never took a shine to Ralph, until recently. I think they saw the way Mellissa was looking at Ralph, despite the mess. She's always had feelings for him and it's no surprise they eventually married. There's always been a spark between them."

"As it turns out, Ralph and Mellissa lived close to me, so we started hanging out all the time after that. George would sometimes babysit Mellissa and I. He was glad to earn a little extra cash, since it was hard for him to get a lot of hours at Mr. Willow's store."

"Cedric didn't get to hang out with us very much, because he lived a few kilometers away. That's why Ralph, Mellissa, George and I had to take the bus to school, but Cedric was lucky enough to live within walking distance of Evergreen Elementary and Evergreen High."

"George used to take the 4 of fishing and even played baseball with us. Too bad he's 18 years older than us and graduated high school and left for collage the same year we were born. It was a hard goodbye for his parents, when he left. He took a cooking course and came out with master's degree. He met his wife Nicole Lafayette on campus, during his first year. She'd moved all the way from France and was also taking cooking courses. She too came out with a master's degree. Too bad she became a housewife. She cooks quite well. We first met her on Victoria Day weekend of George's final year. That was also the same Mellissa, Cedric and I met her. We had a little trouble understanding her, as she was still learning to speak English at the time and we were still learning to talk, but she eventually got the hang of it. She and George are very close and I'm not surprised that he saved up for an engagement ring and proposed to her during their final semester, a year and half after they met. That following summer they married. We finally met Nicole's parents: Phillip and Jaqueline, along with her older sister: Mary Belle. They're very nice and were proud of their daughter for marrying someone special. We haven't seen them since, but they said they would come down for Christmas. George took a job as a chef travelling with the track gangs after that. Not long after the wedding we received a letter from them that said Nicole was pregnant. Hard to believe they had a daughter named Lisa, who would become the love of my life. George was eventually promoted and was finally able to settle in the city, so we got to see more of Bentley. He was later fired when his jerk of a boss said he no longer needs him and George was only able to get a decent paying job out here in the forest, when Mr. Knox opened his own TV station: K.N.O.X TV and hired George to host a cooking show: Chef Surprise. Lisa didn't take to well to the move. It was hard for her being away from all her other friends and no basketball teams in the forest. I managed to cheer her up and reminded her that family always comes first."

"Speaking of my beloved Lisa, she just finished collage herself recently. She played university basketball and is now the player/coach of the first basketball team here in the forest. They're called the Evergreen Eagles. As you know I met her at the train station, when she decided to come for a visit with her little brother Bentley. The first time I ever laid eyes on her and heard her voice, I was instantly smitten. The only woman I've ever felt this way about. She taught me an import lesson that weekend. Until I met her, I didn't know what being in love was like. Before that I was just a happy go lucky raccoon, who just liked to explore and have fun. Women were of no interest to me. I'd only ever dated one. That was at the high school prom. I can't remember her name. I only went with her because I didn't want to go alone. Otherwise Lisa's the only other woman I've ever dated. Well and Theresa, but I'll get to her soon."

A woman can have a strange effect on a man and now I understand what Ralph and Cedric went through. I wish I'd met her sooner. She's the reason I've started to like basketball a little more. She taught me some moves and is very good at the game. We started out as friends and started dating after a triathlon was held and I sent her the gold medal in the mail. I'm sure glad she's home and we're together again. I missed her so much. It may not have been her intention, but she taught me about love. I realized how kind and sweet she really is when she wrote to me for the first time and called me her friend always, despite how badly our first date went. I realize that I came on to strongly. I guess it's because she was my first crush and the first actual date I ever went on, so I was nervous and didn't know how else to tell her I like her. She only wanted to be friends, which makes sense, since she was living in the city at the time and we barely knew each other. I was happy as could be when the letter came and she said she wanted to be friends. I knew then she cared about me and that felt really good. Love can hurt, but it sure is a wonderful feeling. We ended up going on our second date the same day she received the gold medal. She called and I naturally said yes. I wore the same suit I wore to the bachelor auction and when I arrived at her house, she was wearing a white dress. The same one she's wearing in those pictures of herself, that she keeps attached to her mirror. She was nervous, but we had fun. We enjoyed a candle light supper at The Blue Spruce Café and danced. When I brought her home she started making conversation and I knew what she wanted, but I was too shy. I was standing there thinking what to say, my heart was racing and I couldn't move. When I tried to speak I realized she was kissing me. The first woman who ever kissed me. I felt like I could fly. I'll never forget that moment as long as I live. She thanked me for the date and said she had fun. I told her the same and headed home in a daze. All I could do when got home was flop on my bed with a big grin on my face. We've been dating ever since and I couldn't be happier."

"Next is my little buddy Bentley, Lisa's little brother. He's 9 years younger than her. I later found out the reason why was because when George was working with the track gangs, they used to move around so much they didn't have time for another kid. It was hard on Bentley, because he never made any friends until he met me. He's a smart kid and has a knack with computers. As Cedric put it: "There aren't many like Bentley." "We're like brothers and we get along very well, most of the time. He took an interest in sports and other physical activities after he met me. He even has a girlfriend, despite that they're not even in Junior High yet. Her name is Theresa Raccoon. I went on a date with her, when she purchased me for $1.50 at a bachelor auction." Embarrassed groan. "Don't laugh. It's not funny. At least we had fun and told jokes, while we had a picnic on Prieng's Peak. She finally told Bentley how she feels about him, when he was in the hospital with Appendicitis. I'm sure those 2 will get married someday. Bentley gets in trouble sometimes. We've even had to risk our lives for him in the past, but he's a kid, with a lot of growing up to do."

"My best friend in the whole world Cedric Sneer. He and his father Cyril Sneer may not be Sneer's by blood, but they still remain loyal. Cedric learned about this, when Lady Baden-Baden was doing a Who's Who book. Cedric studied accounting in collage and has recently partnered up with Cyril to run Sneer Industries, with business booming. Cedric and I didn't get a lot of time together, when we were kids, because as I said before, he lived a few kilometers away. That and Cyril didn't really like him playing with me, or Ralph and Mellissa. Cyril did eventually warm up to us though. Cedric married his girlfriend, Sophia Tutu, the following spring, after Lisa left for collage. I knew they'd marry eventually. Luckily they had their wedding on Victoria Day Weekend, so Lisa was able to attend. It was a beautiful wedding and I was Cedric's best man. Lisa was Sophia's best woman. Sophia recently announced that she's pregnant. Oh the look on Cyril's face, when he found out he has a grandchild on the way." Giggles. "They don't know what it's going to be yet and have decided they want to be surprised. I can't wait to be an uncle. Sophia and Lisa are best friends, just like Cedric and I. Theresa also hangs out with them and looks up to Lisa like an older sister, much like how Bentley looks up to me like an older brother."

"The reason Theresa looks up to Lisa is because she doesn't have a sister. Just an older brother. His name is Randy. He's 2 years older and just about in high school. He used to have a crush on Sophia, but got over it, when he met a new girl named Joyce Rabbit. They're close and have planned to go to the Junior High Prom."

"About Ralph and Mellissa, what more can be said about them? They let me live with them in the Raccoondominium. Not only because of what I was talking about before, but because we've known each other since we were preschoolers, we're like family. We've lived together for a few years and I'm grateful for their generosity. They're close and always have been. Nothing could make them part. They don't have any kids and I'm not sure why. Maybe because I'm kind of kid to them. The first house they ever owned after they got married was cut down by Cyril, when he had a lumber industry. I was staying with them for Christmas, while still trying to find my own place, after my parents moved away. Luckily though, we were able to convince Cyril, with help from our friend Schaeffer, that planting new trees was profitable. Cyril then bought them a new house and Ralph and Mellissa convinced me to stay. They figured I'd never make it on my own anyway. Ha. But that was very nice of them either way. Ralph was actually a surprise to his parents. They hadn't actually expected to have another kid, but were caught by surprise, when George was a teenager. This also helped them cope with the Empty Nest Syndrome they went through, when George left for collage."

"Schaeffer's an old English Sheepdog we met and became friends with, when Cyril was cutting down the forest. He owns his own restaurant: The Blue Spruce Café. It's a favourite hangout of ours and we help out there sometimes. Schaeffer's quite a cook. It was a lifelong dream of his. Like us, he likes to fish and play sports. He also has a black belt in Karate and has been teaching Cedric, Bentley and I. I sometimes go to him, when I need someone to talk to, but usually I go to Mellissa or Cedric. I can always count on them for council."

"Cyril isn't a friend of mine, but he is Cedric's father and has gotten better over time. He really loves Cedric dearly and has always provided the best for him. Cyril has gotten help for his smoking habit and is very close to quitting. It's been a struggle for him, but he's trying hard. Cyril's wife died after Cedric was born and he's been widowed ever since. Cyril started to become an environmental crusader recently. Sadly though, those pig henchmen of his destroyed a pond my friends and I, along with Cyril and Mr. Willow used to fish and swim in, when we were kids." Sniff. "I'm sorry, but the thought that we'll never be able to do the things we used to do there always brings me to tears. At least we caught Milton Midas and threw him in jail. His company has gone down without him and I hope he doesn't recover, when he gets out."

Well now you know more about me, my family and my friends, so let's get on with my life story."


	2. Chapter 2

**The Story of Bert Raccoon **

** Chapter 1**

"Well to begin with, I was born in the Evergreen Hospital, as were Ralph, Mellissa and Cedric. My parents said I was the cutest baby they'd ever seen. They also said that about Dennis. Anyway I was kind of a handful and my parents didn't get much sleep after they brought me home. I was up much of the night needing my diaper changed, a bottle, or sometimes just rocking me back to sleep. It's not hard to believe my first word was peanut butter. Our relatives always brought new toys, when they visited. That drove my parents crazy, especially at Christmas. No wonder they were thrilled when Dennis and I outgrew our baby toys and they sold them at a yard sale. When I was learning to walk my parents took me to the playground, which was a short walk from our house. Sadly that playground was demolished some time ago, since not many people live in that part of the forest anymore. When we got there and I was let out of my stroller I spotted another kid about my age in the sandbox and decided to play with him. As I already mentioned, that kid was Ralph. We were both still learning to talk, but we still had a lot of fun and became good friends. Later we had even more fun when another kid our age joined us. That was Cedric, my best friend. He was shy at first, but we convinced to play with us and he was laughing and wrestling with us in no time."

"Ralph's brother George, who'd been chatting with my parents and even with the bear that had brought Cedric, came and told Ralph he was going to buy ice cream. He even asked us if we wanted any. I know I would've liked peanut butter, but the ice cream shop didn't have that flavor." Sigh. "Cedric asked for chocolate and Ralph and I got vanilla. When George got back, Ralph insisted on bringing the ice cream. George gave in, mostly because my parents told him "how could he say no to such a precious face," so Ralph got his wish and brought it us. When Ralph tripped, one of the cones landed on Mellissa, who was coming to play. Neither cried, but they sure looked silly." Giggles. "Poor Ralph. George quickly cleaned him up and managed to save most of the ice cream. Mellissa liked Ralph right away and hugged him. She wanted a bite of his ice cream. Ralph didn't want to share at first, but George told him to, which he reluctantly did. Mellissa also had fun with us and seemed to have a crush on Ralph right from the get go. I think Ralph felt the same. You could actually see them blushing. We also met Mellissa's parents, Susan and Roman Stevenson, that day. They didn't like the way Ralph and Mellissa were looking at each other and I don't know why. They were the first ones to leave and poor Ralph and Mellissa cried when she was leaving. They really enjoyed each other's company. We played together all the time after that and George often babysat us, when he was home for holidays and long weekends. George's fiancée, Nicole, had decided to stay with him in the forest that following summer, while they planned their wedding. None of us actually remember it, since we weren't quite 2 at the time, but our parents said it was a really nice wedding. Considering how much older they are than us, they were always more of an uncle and aunt to Ralph, than a big brother and sister in law."

"After the wedding, George was hired on the track gangs and they moved away. It was hard, because we hardly ever saw him after. It was especially hard on poor Ralph, not having his big brother around. We eventually got used to it, but we still missed them. Our parents put us in day care after that and it was nice that we got to play together a lot more. We met Cyril at the day care center and I still remember how the staff had to remind him to put out his cigar. Dennis was born a few months after George and Nicole's wedding. I then got more of an idea of what my parents had to go through when they brought me home. Dennis usually slept better at night than me. Probably because he didn't sleep through the day like I did. It was nice having a little brother to play with. It also made day care more fun. It was even more fun when Mellissa's little sister Linda also played with us. She's about Dennis's age and they used to fight over toys and books." Giggles. "When Dennis was born, just before my second birthday I was jealous. It felt like I didn't even exist anymore. All of a sudden the relatives were bringing him all the new toys and giving him all the attention. Eventually my parents noticed when I started acting up and talked to me about that they'd been through it too. They told me they and the relatives still loved me and they always would. They decided to organize some time to spend with me when Dennis was asleep or spending time with Grandma and Grandpa. It helped me get over it and Dennis and I grew close. It happened to Mellissa too, but her parents did the same thing and she and Linda also grew close."

"Ralph, Mellissa and I had our first Halloween together, when we were 3. Sadly Cedric didn't get to come with us and Dad, who took Ralph, Mellissa and I trick or treating didn't take us to Cedric's neighborhood. I was ghost, Ralph was a vampire. Mom thought he looked really cute, wearing a tuxedo and cape. Mellissa was a fairy. Roman also came with us. I think he just wanted to keep an eye on Mellissa."

"Finally it was our first day of school. My parents were so proud. They even took a picture. Dennis cried and wondered when he'd get to go. When I got on the bus I rode with Ralph and Mellissa. I kind of felt jealous of the attention Ralph often gave Mellissa, but once we were at school, I mostly just hung out with Cedric. We were all nervous, especially Cedric. Mellissa was too scared to even get off the bus. Luckily the bus driver was friendly and managed to convince her that things would be fine. She also had us, so that helped. When we got to class, I bumped into Miss Primrose. She just smiled and I handed her the apple my parents told me to give her. She was amused that I took a bite of it, before I gave it to her. We were all hiding wherever we could, but good old Miss Primrose was patient and convinced us to take our seats. After role call she had us paint a picture of something we liked. I painted a jar of peanut butter. I can't remember what the others painted."

"We all loved Miss Primrose. She's such a good teacher. It's like I told Bentley. "Who could forget Miss Primrose." "We got into trouble sometimes, but she was forever patient and always encouraged us to participate. Since Evergreen Elementary was a one room school house at the time, it's no surprise that Miss Primrose was our teacher every year after that. Well until we started high school. Miss Primrose took a picture of us at the end of our first day, just before the bus came. We were all still nervous and she couldn't get us to smile, but she took it anyway. I couldn't wait to get home and tell mom all about it. She said she was glad I had fun and had just baked some peanut butter cookies. Good old mom. Dad came home from work and told me about how he was nervous on his first day too and that it was natural what I was going through. He said it'll pass and I would eventually get used to the other kids and Miss Primrose. He was right of course. He always knew how to cheer me up with a heart to heart talk.

Dad taught me how to play baseball that year. He also happily played a game at the playground when Ralph, Mellissa and sometimes Cedric came over. He also taught us about football and when winter came, he would take us to the lake and taught us to skate and play hockey. He used to take us ice fishing as well."

"Near the end of kindergarten, Ralph and I were out walking and we spotted a big old house. We decided to get closer and dared each other to go inside. Finally we agreed to go in together. It was a spooky place. Run down, falling apart, bats, spiders and very dusty. We didn't go in after that, but we build a fort across the lake from it and started our own club. We didn't tell Mellissa, since it was boys only. Ralph felt a little upset, because he really likes Mellissa, but wouldn't admit it. We never told Cedric about it until we were grown up. He lived to far away and we didn't see much of him outside of school. I feel bad we didn't tell him sooner. Oh well, we told him, Mellissa and Sophia about it eventually and let them all join."

"Going to the clubhouse was always fun. We would sleep there and even convinced our dads to join us. We were too young to sleep there by ourselves anyway. We could fish, swim and roast marshmallows. We sometimes ate too many and got sick, but we always had a good time. Sometimes George would come for a weekend and take us and Mellissa to that secret fishing hole. Cedric lives close to there, so he could come too. Good times."

"On our first summer holiday we hung out at the fishing hole all the time. Our mothers would pack picnic baskets and watch us swim. Sometimes they'd join us. Dennis and Linda sure liked it there too."


End file.
